What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 00:55
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why is blood sugar ranging from 70-180 in a day and checked through a glucometer?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was very sick at this time too.
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So, i spoilt her more .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Do people really have sex with animals?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It was going to be , some day.
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He knew the spot.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do most narcissists have good intentions as long as you are under their control?
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My life is so biszare .
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is soul school!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She married twice! .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot live in the past .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Comes on , in middle age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Put me off passion for life!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
All the time i was locked up.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was 9 years of age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She loved him until the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Who then, do I blame.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I have no regrets .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But, we were locked up after school.
She was in good health!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She wouldn,t have been !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So whats the point in blame.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was scared of men, in general
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She found it foreign!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ive learnt so much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When she asked me how she looked .
We were not on the streets..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I waited trembling.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)